Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Cowardly Lion

There are many reasons that I am cowardly.  Many reasons that I don't do what I am supposed to do: trust in God.

My cowardliness has and will take a toll on my relationships.  So I am putting what I am scared of...out into the blogisphere:

1.) Going back to Austria.
Maybe our lifestyle will sound glamorous or exciting to someone.  However, not sleeping for 5 nights in a row in a hotel, husband and wife being stressed at each other with getting around foreign cities, and a baby striving for routine, does not feel glamorous.

I am scared to my core of going back.  As much as I hate being away from Kdubs for many weeks, I and the baby have thrived being in a stable environment.

2.) Not being a good mom.
I, so much, want to be a good mom and role model to my daughter.  And this takes a lot of thoughts, time, and it should

3.) Not being a good wife.
The balance between wife and mother is so hard.  When the question becomes, whose needs become more important?!?

There are many other things that I am scared of...but these are the top three.

What are you scared of?


Erin said...

You really should read Feminine Appeal. It puts being a wife and mother into Biblical truth. It takes those fears away, and keeps your focus on Jesus.

Cita Online said...

I'm scared too. And I don't have to deal with nearly as much as you do. Will say a prayer for you. So glad you got to be in Atlanta with a routine and a regimen.

... do you at least get to stay in a nice hotel?

Anonymous said...

Full of fears over here too . . . about being a good mom, about losing those I love, about change. We all have struggles. Fear is mine. Always has been. My prayers are with you!

travelinhobo said...

There is nothing wrong with fear. Fear is an emotion which confirms that you are alive. However, if you fear too much (as anything), then it takes over your life and controls you. If fear is controlling you, you need to make some decisions and follow through on them. And yes, the biggest thing you have to fear is fear itself.

Came upon your website just by browsing. Have read very little of it, but from what I've read, I'm certain that you're headed in the wrong direction. Not because of what you're doing, but because you have a baby in tow. Your baby needs 100% of you - not your husband. He's an adult and can fend for himself; your baby can not. While traveling is a great way to learn about the world and educate yourself (classrooms and books will teach you minimal) and you'd be stupid to remain a typical dumb American when you have the chance to broaden your view of the world, clearly you are not ready to take this step. So why are you? In order that your child not end up with tattoos, piercings, or a guy who has them (all indications of bad parenting), I highly recommend that you focus on your child. Listen to Dr. Drew or Dr. Laura to set you straight. Forget that religious stuff - it'll only screw you up more.
Good luck. :)

Maria said...

I'm going out on a limb and disagreeing in part with Travelinhobo. I don't think you're heading in the wrong direction, A. You are doing what you need to do to get by for right now. You and your spouse DO need each other. Babies, in the best of situations, are the product of love between a man and woman. The love that should be there in the creation of the child should ideally be there throughout the life of the child. I know this doesn't always happen, but it isn't over generalizing to say that children thrive best when they feel the love that their parents have for each other. This relates back to being responsive to each others needs as a couple. Of course the dynamic is different now, but when God puts new people in your life, He does so for a reason. He won't leave you hanging, but will give you the strength, the grace, and the ability to grow and love more. The human capacity to love is an amazing thing.

As regards your last question about being a good wife and a good mother, try not to look at it as an issue of "who is more important." It's not a quantitative problem that can be solved by measuring out so much time for husband, so much time for baby, etc. Instead, look at it as a situational thing. Some days, you will know that baby takes priority. K is an adult and will appreciate this. It also helps that he loves C as much as you and would not compromise her health or safety. Other days, K's needs will be more pressing. Don't forget your own needs, too. You need "husband time" as much as K needs time with his wife. It's hard to reestablish that balance between your needs as a wife, and your desire to be "everything" for your baby, but ultimately, I think you'll find that you are a happier, more fulfilled, and a better mother when you make time to reconnect romantically with your spouse.

Knowing a little more of your situation, I know you're not in Austria for selfish reasons. While I know that traveling constantly and being away from family isn't ideal, you can and will get by for as long as you need to. And keep this in mind. Although it is true that babies are best with a schedule, they are also incredibly adaptable. I would know! If she remembers it at all, C is going to think of all this as a great adventure. It may not be as easy for you, but I think that one day, you will be staidly settled down and be able to look at this time as a good experience.

dreamchaser said...

I'm with Maria (well said). Also, I believe both of your "dubs" are so lucky to have you... a wife and mother who is so vigilant about who she is and how well she does at balancing all her roles.

Trusting in God doesn't mean you'll be off the hook for guilt regarding your own choices, but maybe trusting in His love could help you trust how your love of your family guides your choices, and that's worthy of feeling at least a little solace. *hugs!*