Monday, March 15, 2010

Fell in Love

Even though I have a ton more "practical" posts to write (about traveling, living overseas, how much of a joy and a pain it is to have a workaholic husband), I need to get this out.

The moment Cdubs came into this world, I cried.

Kdubs said something one day about crying because I was so happy, but I did not cry for joy. I cried simply because my body could not handle the emotions going on inside of me. Trying to verbalize what I was feeling at that moment I said, "it is like every emotion was coming out of me at the exact same time."

Joy, Fear, Exhaustion, Anxiety, Relief, Anticipation, Horror, Pride, and Peace. All at the same time.

After 41 and a half weeks of pregnancy and 33 hours of labor, I went into autopilot mode: Take care of this baby. Make sure I don't screw this up.

I was too nervous and tired to feel anything for a few weeks.

I smiled when people congradulated me.
I laughed when trying to make other people laugh at my nocternal baby.
I cried hormonal tears.
I cried pain tears at breast feeding.
and I definitely cried tired tears.

After 3 weeks of breast feeding pain and exhaustion over her getting her days and nights on track, I got up for another diaper change in the middle of the night. I put her on the changing table and looked down with bleary eyes and....she smiled.*

And that was it.

I fell in love.

I fell in love the same manner I fell in love with Kdubs. I just hung around them at first because they were cute, and both of them slowly chipped away at my heart. Until one moment, I blinked and I knew...that I loved them and would do anything to make them smile like that again.

*Now, you can say that smile was gas or just exercising muscles, but I say that God knew I was at my end and let her show me that all of it was worth it.


Krystyn said...'s tough work, isn't it?

So glad that God gave you that smile to help you get through it.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written, my dear! I can SO relate!

Cita Online said...

You just made my day. Thank you!

McMommy said...

I fell in love too. WITH THIS AWESOME POST!!!!!!!!

The Mrs. said...

motherhood is FILLED with these moments. Daily they push me to my brink and then some small glimmer of something they do brings me back to a happy place.

and the solo dimple does wonders for that.