Friday, July 16, 2010

The problem with being me

I don't think I am very complicated.  Or very deep.

But I am kinda needy (aren't we all in our own ways).

Even though, I am getting better at handling our adjustments back and forth, and it is an adjustment every time in both Atlanta and Vienna, and the baby is sleeping better and is getting adjusted...I am discontent.

Maybe it is just me, but when I get discontent, I look at my marriage to make sure that it is in a good place.  I constantly worry that I will let it slip...the problem with that is that I pick at little things and nag and fret over the big and little things.  This is my personality and Kdubs (after many years) realizes that when I get into an frantic "fix-it" mode with any aspect in my life, I just need to be soothed, hugged, and then distracted.  We then try and "fix" whatever it is when I am less neurotic.

This may be an over-share or a duh...but even after my usual "OMG the baby's sleep pattern needs to be fixed, THE APARTMENT IS A MESS! You don't love me anymore" hormone and stress induced panic attacks, I still feel like I miss something here in Vienna. 

Yes, I miss home, but I also miss a sense of connection to this place.  I miss friendships and bonds.  And that is something that I always want IMMEDIATELY when we have moved.  I want to find a group of friends or a go-to best friend.  The person or people who GET ME...who understand my humor, is available for coffee/diet coke/wine, understands or at least empathizes with some aspect of my life.

When we have moved before, I expected God to place them in my life.  And He does...just not within my first few weeks of moving and not after running around feeling like a disgraced fat kid on the playground thinking "won't you be my friend?" 

And while I know it usually happens after some time...I just don't see the point here.

Because of my visa situation (Austria won't give me one), I have to leave the country for 6 months of the year.  This is great that I get to come home so much and Kdub's work lets him come home with us for a lot of that time. However, there is no incentive for people here to befriend me...I am not here a lot.  And the friends I have in Atlanta have more consistent friends and consistent routines that make it hard for me to be included.  Part of me realizes that if I did get attached at either or both places it would be a constant tearing and mending of friendships: "yea, we have so much fun together" then "balls, you are leaving for 3 months...this sucks."  But I WANT IT!  I want friends!!!  I want to fit in!

And the people here (even in the baby group I force myself to go to in hopes of making a connection) don't get me.

This group is nice, we all have babies in the same month of each other.  However, these are women from around the world, who live here.  Most of them have married Austrians and/or speak the language very well and like/know the culture.  No one is here temporarily, no one thinks that going home is a treat, they all act like America is a cultural wasteland, and most of them, as my sister-in-law-who has met them says, are wet blankets.

The ones that seem okay are either people who have been here for eons and have tons of friends...they don't seem interested in making more than casual acquaintences with anyone in the group or English is their second language and my sense of humor doesn't seem to translate well.

There really doesn't seem to be much of a solution for this, but I just wanted to vent into the Internets to blow off some steam...which I can make a lot of with no A/C and 95+ temps.


The Mrs. said...

i hear ya. granted its different because you live in a totally different COUNTRY but i feel that way here. I dont live on base or really hang out with the mil wives here {b/c well most are crazy but then again maybe b/c i think that they dont want to hang with me}. We live out in town and therefore we tend to be the only military, ie in church, at school, in town, etc. So where do we fit in? We live in two worlds.

drives me nuts.

if you ever need to talk feel free to email cause i get the house is a mess, baby doesnt sleep stuff too.

Erin said...

Although our situations are much different, I do remember when I first moved to WA and felt so alone. Looking back, I realize it was a time that God wanted Jack and I to take our relationship to a new level. We bonded more than we ever had, and he truly became my best friend.

Now, I do know how important girlfriends are. I wish there was something I could do or say! I'll just pray for you!

Krystyn said...

That does sound tough. Moving to a new city was hard..moving to a new country, even harder. And, then the fact that you don't have a place to go for just grown ups to connect?

Have you tried a local church? Just an idea.

I'll be thinking about you.

Cita Online said...

I've been there. Especially when we first arrived at Ave, and throughout Ave ;-)

I have no concrete tips or helpful advice. Just tons of empathy from an old friend who wishes she had made more of an effort to spend time with you when you lived so close.

Will keep you close in prayer.

P.S. How's dad?

The Roaming Southerner said...

Thanks for the advice guys...and yes it does make Kdubs and I closer after I get over my initial temper tantrum at having to move (I know, I am almost 30...i need to get over it). And we would try a church here, but the churches are in German. There is one English speaking mass on Sundays...right during the baby's nap. And it is across town (45-60 minutes away). And as much as I hate to say it...the same thing applies...we aren't here enough for us or others to take the time to invest it us.

Dad is doing better. He has some down days that are normal after surgeries like this...but he is physically getting stronger and better every day. Thanks for asking.

Stephanie said...

I just got your comment! Sorry Im a little behind in my reader :) Going to try to play catch up this weekend! Seriously, I love your post. Making friends is hard. I think at our stage of life too, it's even harder. We aren't in school, we aren't partying. We are housewifing with husbands and kids (in your case anyway). With the craziness and the schedules it narrows down the friendship pool quite a bit. That's not to say it's impossible. And I'm sure, that you will find one. It just takes a while.

And? I am needy. I am needy and sometimes I think I am crazy. I do the same type things like, oh my gosh the car needs something fixed again, Im still living here with your mother, im so homesick, and i think you don't love me anymore! And I cant even blame them on the hormones...though I did change my bc to a lower hormone to try and a get a better balance.

Anyyyyyyway, dragging on too long. I miss the south too. I certainly miss chic fil a, especially their milkshakes. But there are some days here, that I don't want to leave. Some days are just that good. They come and go, but thankfully they are there. It makes life easier. All in all, your doing great! Hang in there!

amanda said...

i get this. not in the big move to a whole other country kind of way but in the move half way around same country kind of way. and honestly i was without beans then - having her i think at times would have made it ten times harder. and then other times i think it would have made it more perfect. just quality time with her.

thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

I think finding people that "get" me is challenging too. It is very easy for me to find people to hang out with. It is much harder to find friends.

Sew Like My Mom said...

I totally know how you feel. I grew up in the Army and moved every 2 years. Even as an adult I've continued to move constantly. None of my friends are married, let alone have kids, and it's hard. I spend a lot of time alone with my girls. I've tried joining local Mom's groups, but it's hard to find someone enough like me to be real friends. I just want someone I can meet up with and whine about life over a beer. Why is that so hard to find?! We don't go to Mass, either, because the kids make it too hard. I totally feel your pain.

I understand nomadic friends, so if you ever want to get together while you're home, just let me know!